PainJunkie

Over the decades of my life, I have been able to see at very close range the impact of a full spectrum of choices in the lives of others and myself. Some of the choices and their consequences I have observed have been terrible. Some have been beautiful. I have heard more than one man say, "Oh—I love my kids so much" and then make choices that would bring a lifetime of heartache to his children. That's not love. Too often in life what we claim we want and what we actually do can be at tragic odds one with another. It's as if we set out to build a "dream house" but burn it to the ground as we go. What do we really want? How can we tell what we really want? Can we see a "dreamhouse" to completion, or is it just Fate that our dreams end up perpetually homeless?

What we really want is manifest not so much by our whims and wishes. What we truly want is evidenced by our daily, almost trivial, decisions and choices. One of the grand achievements in life is to find the points of contact between our seemingly inconsequential quotidian decisions and the big consequences of life. Let's look at a simple example: health. I have not met a sane person in all my life who has not or would not expressed a desire to be healthy. No one, except perhaps someone with impaired faculties, would say, "Wow! I'd love to have the flu!" or, "Gee, it would be great to have clogged arteries, five heart-attacks, quadruple by-pass surgery, and a heart transplant!" It's beyond absurd. Yet, many of us make decisions every day that compromise our health, little by little. It's hard to believe that the extra doughnut (poor doughnuts have been unnecessarily demonized more than most foods!), the extra cake icing, or the generous dollop of cream on one's cocoa or latté are really going to make a difference. But, they do. Day after day, almost imperceptibly, our choices show what we really want. In this case—we'd rather have the satisfaction of these foods than our long-term health.

Think of a man who claims to love his family. He works hard for them. He takes them on elaborate family trips, and the photo albums become crowded with happy faces. But, he begins to spend too much time at work. He spends too much time with a woman there. They are alone on business trips. They eat lunch and dinner together. In his mind, he loves his wife and family, and he wants to them to be happy. But, does he truly? The little decisions he makes that consistently cause him to spend more time at work and with someone else suggest otherwise. No excuse he can conjure is powerful enough to controvert the simple facts of his decisions. The more he is away, the more his children wonder if he cares. His wife begins to feel unneeded and unwanted. He begins to feel less engaged at home. The slope becomes increasingly slippery and dangerous.

Life matters. People matter. And, our daily decisions matter more than we realize. So, what do we really want? It is worth the effort to think through our daily thoughts and decisions and verify to what extent they line up with what we claim or appear to want out of life. The happiest people I know are those who achieve harmony such that their regular, day-to-day decisions lead, notwithstanding the normal setbacks, calamities and difficulties of life, to what they really wanted all along.

A great piece of news is that it is never too late for course corrections. For me, the guiding star of my life is Jesus Christ. He set the bar very, very high for us, "Be ye therefore perfect". Wow! This need not discourage us, though. What a compliment He has handed us. He is saying, "You can do it, kids. I'm setting the bar high, because I know you have the ability to get there, and I'll help you do it." We must never give up on ourselves or God. Despair is not an option.

Start Today!

---John R. Durant

This is the kind of lonely song that comes from wearing my heart on my sleeve for one woman.

 I Am Rain That Was Meant to Pour

Only true love can truly hurt

It's ours, but we don't get any say

It tears us apart to remind us how close

We've grown day after day 

My bags are in the car

Paycheck's telling me to go

And as I walk out the door, I know

I am rain that was meant to pour

I'll unpack my heartache

And beat the sunset until it cries

I'll hate myself for staring at the TV

Until my boredom finally dies

I'm giving all my secrets away

Like a busker on an empty metro quay

Now, just what was the last thing that you wore?

I am rain that was meant to pour

Memories are like a jester

That can only make people cry

This room couldn't be more empty

And I'm bluer than the sky

We were made to hurt each other

We found all we ever wanted

But never looked for

And, I'm just rain that was meant to pour

© John R. Durant

(From my hand-written journal yesterday while on a plane over the Atlantic)

I think, in the end, Heaven is a place where all our love, like every perfect feeling I have for Carolyn and my boys, goes. And, those feelings--- that love--- is put in a safe with no walls, where no one can ever interrupt it. It will never diminish. It just grows and grows.

jrd

Giving is vital. But, it is also good to receive. I am not talking about selfishly taking. I'm talking about humbly receiving. Too often, our pride, stubbornness, or other feelings get in the way of receiving what is selflessly, graciously, and kindly offered—everything from a compliment to a generous gift of financial aid or other assistance. Receiving gifts of any sort that are benevolently given by others is very different from taking. Taking implies seizing or capturing what is not offered. This impulse, too, may come from pride and other unproductive feelings.

God knew that we might need some guidance on the humbling and sanctifying act of receiving when He declared, "Deny not the gifts of God for they are many." Those gifts come in many ways.

Earlier this year I was chatting with a friend who lives back near my home town (hurray for Minnesota!), and we connect now and again. He and his family had fallen on hard times given the state of the world economy and so forth. When things were at their most difficult and bleak, he received the help that was beyond what he could have ever expected from family and friends. He's a hard-working and self-made kind of man. I know it was hard for him to accept help But, it was a moving thing to hear of his gratitude.

Five years ago I was blasted by a car while riding my bicycle. My body and brain took severe blows that nearly annihilated me. Recovering (to where I am now) tested me to the limits of my will to live. One day, when a very close friend was visiting with his family from Ephrata Washington, he inquired how I was doing with the various pains and difficulties. After an uplifting visit, they returned home, and just a week or so later we received an enormous shipment at our door. It was a Sleep Number bed, an adjustable sleeping surface that has helped many people with injuries sleep more comfortably. I couldn't hold back the tears as I thought of the generosity of my friend and his family. I phoned him, and expressed my appreciation and surprise. He insisted that repayment was not necessary, and all I could do is thank him with all of the sincerity I possess.

The gifts we receive are never really about "things". They are really about something deeper, something more lasting and important. Think about a compliment. I have taught my sons that when someone compliments them on something they have done well or on how they look etc., they should be gracious and say simply, "Thank you." Sometimes people feel the need to dismiss a compliment, not wanting to sound arrogant or boastful. Modesty is vita, of course. But, modesty also includes accepting compliment, because all good things do not come from us anyway. To reject the gift of another also denies the giver of the blessings of giving.

Let me explain with an example. When someone says, "You sing so beautifully," some respond, "Nah. I really suck. I wish I were so much better." Saying this suggests the other person was wrong, it rejects a gift, a compliment, that was genuinely extended. It is better to just say, "Thank you. How kind of you to say." When I receive a compliment such as this I think, "I'm grateful for the gifts God has given me." All good things come from Him.

Life will always present with opportunities to give, to receive, and even to take. Giving and receiving are two aspects of the same charity. They both involve humility and a willingness to look beyond ourselves, to think about others. Of course, we should do all we can to not be a burden to others, to "carry our own water" so to speak. But, when we are in need, when, after all we can do, we find ourselves in difficulty, it is a beautiful thing to receive the gifts of God with gratitude. When we are in a position to give, we should give from that same sense of gratitude and love--- Grace.

In the end, when the stage of mortality is dismantled, and we've all gone home, we'll all need a generous helping of Grace.

JRD

An unforgiving city granted an act of mercy, sending me off into the sky--- lonely little Moses in a cradle of steel floating on a river of air. Solitude gives rise to a peculiar reverence. The memory of a loved one is a priest to whom we confess a future that may never be. That's when a heart truly breaks. In the utter vulnerability of that moment we are strong as we can ever be.

Landscapes are intimidating. The earth's generosity and ferocity seem unintentional. It is never distracted from its destiny—to carve canyons out of granite tables, to force trees and grass out of stony ground, to drive mountains up further up into the sky—a giant engine of perpetual, insouciant change. And, its by-product is a circumstance in which we thrive against the odds, and luck seems to go our way. In the accidental bounty the planet provides we create the things that can never be the result of chance: love, humanity, selflessness, compassion. If luck is defying chance, then we can say we are lucky beyond measure.

Rivers, mountains, sprawling meadows, and oceans don't know what true luck looks like. But, we do. Luck is the shape of a child's smile. It is the warmth of a lover's kiss. Luck is unguarded laughter of children at play. It is the gentle pressure of a baby's hand around your finger. It is looking into your lover's eyes and knowing that you are understood, accepted, and known.

Chance, landscape, luck, humanity, uncertainty, and change--- weighty thoughts while I leave the capital of counterfeit luck-- where many people desperately chase what they know is an inevitable mirage. I depart richer than when I arrived: the true treasures of my life acquired yet a little more value, became a little more dear while I was a stranger in a strange land.