The first thing you must know when you go to purchase a high-perf bike is that the people in the bike shop will treat you with about much interest as a call from a telemarketer at dinner time. You see, bike shop employees have other things to do. For example, I once had to ask an employee to stop breaking down cardboard boxes in favor of acknowledging my presence in the store where I had been ALONE! for the past ten minutes. It seems that retail employees have trouble finding balance. For instance, when I go to a fast-food restaurant, the person behind the stainless steel register with the uncomfortable looking polyester pants asks, "And what you like to order?!" often before the breeze from the entrance door has ceased to ruffle my laces. I want to say, "Um, can my eyes actually catch a glimpse of one or two words on the menu before I make my choice?"

But, you know, I would rather have an eager person than one who is so busy navel gazing that he or she shows no other sign of life. Yes, poor customer service is gender-neutral, age-neutral, and race neutral. I have met senior citizens in customer service who seem to have been infected by the same apathy-disease that appears to have been incubated in bicycle stores.

It is at least satisfying to know that the apathy is not just for the in-person encounter. I recall asking an employee to give me some information on a bicycle. He didn't have the low-down on that model, so he would have to call me. If you hear the following words from a bicycle shop: "I'll give you a call" you will need a translator. Here's what it really means: "I'm going to forget about this conversation. You will call me back in a week anyway, so we'll just go with that plan, OK?" Any phone tag absolutely requires a one-week turn-around time. If you rush it, you will be bumping up against some basic thermodynamic laws. Dont' phone before 7 days have passed, because the clock starts all over. You must wait the full seven days.

This is why it has taken since September to purchase my new bike (I still don't have it). It's part of the rough underworld of high-perf bike purchasing. In the next installment, you will learn the horrorifying tale of the purchase order.